Married Mondays: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

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Habibi really is from another planet. Like really. Honestly.
Or at least that is what I have started to believe. Or convince myself.
Because that is the only way I can justify his actions sometimes and not kill him.
Because it's the only way I can keep my sanity.
Because sometimes it's the only way I can stop myself from flying at him and attacking him like a crazed banshee.
But sometimes I still fly at him like a crazed banshee. Just cuz.
And also because he knows exactly how to handle me upon impact. #smirk #littlegirlslookaway #itshandled #mr.oliviapope

Forgive me, I digress. We've been apart for a month now so i'm sure some of you out there know what I'm talking about. #longdistancewoes

It hasn't been too bad though.
We have a little of this every day :

 And once a week I throw this into the mix:

To be fair, in my dreams, he hasn't cheated and usually he's just talking to some hoe bag skank faced good for nothing chick. #residualanger #backupgirls
Regardless, Habibi apologises.  #butofcourse #duh

Basically, we're dealing and hoping that we won't have to be apart for too long. We try and talk twice a day and everything is fine and dandy... until yesterday.

I was having my usual morning chat with him while eating my usual breakfast when my brother in law walks into the kitchen so naturally I give him the phone to say hello. It's on loudspeaker so that we could both talk and be a part of the conversation. They commence with the usual statutory greetings, the hi hellos, how are you doings, how's work, etc, etc.
But then.
I step away for a hot second to put my bowl in the sink when I hear,
'Yeh, Rumi calls me a fool all the time.' 

I run back to the table and hover over my sitting brother in law, ' WHAAAAT?' 

'Yeh baby, you tell me all the time that I don't know anything and that I'm a fool.' 

It sounds so absurd and out of character for me that I start to think maybe he isn't talking about me, but I'm simultaneously going bright red and I can feel the steam coming off of my burning ears. My brother in law is politely trying hard to not make eye contact, and has started to stare at a spot on the table.

'Baby, what in the world are you talking about?! When have I ever called you a fool?!' 
I'm starting to get really upset now, hurt, angry, mortified, embarrassed.. everything at the same time.
'Yah baby, you always say I'm not good at romance.' 
'Baby that's a lot different from me calling you a fool and saying you don't know anything. And I only say you are not good at it cuz you never get me flowers or write me love letters or do anything romantic Habibi!' 

We went back and forth for a bit before I realized my poor brother in law was still sitting at the table, still staring at the spot. I said my goodbyes and fumed for the rest of the day. I lay in wait for my sister to come home from work and the minute she did I filled her in.
 I was
a. mortified that he said that stuff to my relatively new-ish i.e. hasn't had a chance to know me properly brother in law wasn't even true so I was mad enough to smack him were he not half a world away
c. i was hurt/upset  that i may have inadvertently hurt his feelings somehow

She consoled me the best she could, assuring me my brother in law doesn't think i'm some horrible she-demon and that Habibi probably got things confused in the translation from telugu to english.

Then she casually says, ' Remember that time during summer vacation you called the dance teacher a fool and he got mad at you?' 


She's like, 'Yeh. He got mad and yelled at us. But the funny thing is that you didn't call him one.' 
'Wait what?'
'Yeh. You didn't. He thought you/we did. But that word wasn't even in our vocabulary at that time. We didn't even know how to say it.' 

I don't know whether to cry or laugh at this point. What the hell is going on?  Maybe I really am traversing the world calling people fools without my knowledge. Maybe I have some sort of mild version of Tourette's Syndrome or something?
All I can tell you is that after that phone call with Habibi and the conversation with my sister, I was not a happy trooper. I moped around all day, I mean honestly what else could I do? I'd just found out about my rotten core.
It dawned on me while we were at Costco picking out avocados.
I'm an evil Disney villain.
I'm basically Cruella De Vil or Ursula.
And all along, here I thought I was the princess or the princess's side kick at the very least.
Beware folks. I am evil.

We got home just in time to hear my phone ring so I raced in to pick it up. Habibi was calling.
I wandered upstairs to get some privacy, clearly I had a lot of apologizing to do.

'Baby, I'm so sorry. I never would have called you a fool, for any reason. I still can't believe I did. It's in-excusable and I don't even have the right words to apologise. I'm so sorry baby. It's breaking my heart that I could be so mean to you. Who cares about stupid flowers or letters; at the end of the day you are what matters and how good we are together. I'm so sorry baby,' I tearfully said into the phone. 
'What are you talking about baby?' 
'Umm.. you said I called you a fool in the morning. Remember? I don't even have the memory of saying that to you which makes it all the worse, but I'm so sorry baby.' 
'You never called me a fool baby. I was joking.' 

'Yah baby. Joke. I was joking. Can't you Americans take a joke?'

I hung up the phone. Not as satisfying as slamming the phone down, but I still derived some satisfaction from the click.

He had to call back a few times before I picked up and started right in,

'Why didn't you laugh or say joke when you heard me get worked up in the morning, Habibi?' 
' It was a joke, I thought you all knew that.' 

No. We most assuredly did not.

'So I never called you a fool? Or said you don't know anything?'  
'No baby. Why would you say that, you silly girl. I know you. You never would say something like that.' 

'So this is kind of like the time you called my nose stubby and thought it was a compliment. Right?' 
'Yah baby! Exactly!' 

(Side note: He really did call my nose stubby on our 3rd date. And he really did think it was a compliment. Even after I made him look up the meaning in the dictionary. #smh)

Case Closed.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.


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